Emptying the Nest

Yesterday, hubby and I dropped DS#4 off at college.  He is a sophomore but he transferred to a different university this year so it was a bit like dropping him off as a freshman.  He didn't know anyone.  Nobody knew him.  He didn't know his way around campus. But he didn't want us to stay for the football parent meeting.  And that's okay.  I am so proud of this young man.  He handled this transfer pretty much on his own.  He arranged it all and that's really no small feat anymore.  It's kind of a pain in the butt!  And his transfer was even more of a pain because it involved getting a release for athletics so that he could receive a athletic scholarship and play football at the new school.  That gives me some assurance that he really is capable of doing a lot to take care of himself!  But this makes me sad!  :(  He no longer needs me!  At least not like he used to.  But as I write this I know that this is okay.  It's what is supposed to happen.  It means I've done my job.  But... still sad.  :(

Now to get the last chick out of the nest.  DS#5 is such a sweet young man.  He is caring and loving and has a big heart for the disenfranchised.  I think this probably relates to him being a bit disenfranchised himself.  I should explain that DS#5 is adopted.  We got him when he was 14. I should tell you his story because it is a TOTAL God Thing!

His b-mother, that's what we call his birth mother, basically dropped him at a Department of Children and Family Services office and told the workers that she didn't have any place for him to live.  He was 11 and was just starting the fifth grade.  He was in foster care for 3 years.  His foster father was good to him but he never really bonded with the foster mother.  I feel like this is at partially due to the fact the he didn't, and still doesn't, really trust women.  Who could blame him after what b-mom did?!  His foster family introduced DS#5 to Jesus. (Because of regulations in the foster care system he couldn't be baptized.  Shortly after we got him hubby baptized him into obedience to Jesus.)  He stayed with this foster family for nearly three years.

Enter DS#2.  He was working at a church camp.  One evening DS#5 asked if DS#2 had time to talk and proceeded to tell him that his b-mom had voluntarily given him up for adoption.  He explained that the caseworker had told him that 14 year old boys rarely get adopted.  He was worried at what would become of him.  He wanted a family and he wanted a family that practiced faith in Jesus.  He was scared that he would grow up without a family at all.  It breaks my heart to think of how sad and lost he must have felt.  After their conversation DS#2 told him that he would pray about his situation but really didn't know what else to do.  He was only 21, himself.

The next morning he called me and told me the story and asked me to pray.  I began praying right away but I just kept hearing (not literally, of course) the Lord say "Hands and feet, Laurie Jo, hands and feet."  I knew what the Lord wanted but I also didn't want to make this decision based on emotion and I couldn't make such a decision with hubby.  I told the Lord that if we were to be this boy's parents He would have to make it abundantly clear to us.  He would have to open doors so wide that we could do nothing but fall through them.  The first open door was flung open when I called my husband just a few minutes later.  He had left earlier that day for a work detail that I expected would keep him from answering my call.  I had planned to just leave him a message.  He answered before I even heard the phone ring on my end.  I started to tell him the story of this boy and before I was even halfway through he interrupted and asked "Have you called anyone to see if we can get him?"  I knew then that this would happen.  We were pregnant with a 14 year old boy!

We talked to our other sons, especially DS#4, the only one still living at home.  He was 15 at the time.  All of the boys were immediately excited about a new brother.  So I made some phone calls.  I'm sure that as I explained our story the caseworkers and secretaries in the various offices that I talked with thought I was a crazy lady.  It took a day or two to figure out what the process would be to get DS#5.  We had to first become foster parents then we could adopt DS#5 if he was agreeable as he would be at least 15 by the time that the adoption would be finalized.  I called and asked that an application be sent to us.  That application arrived in the mail within two days and as I looked over the stack of forms I faltered.  It looked daunting.  There were questions that I didn't even understand!!  I wondered how other people did this!  I set the ap aside for a few days.  But I couldn't twiddle much time away because it was already mid-June and we wanted to have the "Baby" before school started.  Finally I took an afternoon and filled out all of the papers.  It really did take a whole afternoon!  5 hours!  And I left some questions blank because I didn't know what in the world they were asking!!!  After a brief respite from form-filling-out I took the forms to our local DCFS office and asked for help and later turned them in.

While we waited for the application to be processed we had to get fingerprinted and have a background check done on all members of the household that were over 16.  That was 4 of us because DS#3 was at home on weekends from college.  We had to have a home inspection.  They wanted all kinds of things like the receipt for our dog's shots and physicals for all of us.  Then hubby and I had to go to classes.  These classes were only offered a few times a year.  A God's timing thing - the classes started the very next weekend.... And they went for the next four Saturdays... And they had room for us in the classes....  And we didn't have one thing on our calender!!  (Nothing short of amazing in itself!)

Seven weeks later on a Tuesday we got our license to be foster parents.  (We have since learned that this process often takes close to a year.  Again, a God thing!)      On Wednesday we meet DS#5 at a Wendy's restaurant.  Let's just say that it was an awkward meeting all the way around.  Who meets their parents for the first time at a fast food restaurant?!  Poor boy, I wish that it could have been a more auspicious meeting place.  On Friday Hubby went to get DS#5 for the evening.  I was already back to school or I would have gone too. We went to a football scrimmage and then had to take him back to his foster family.  The next week we got him for the whole weekend. Taking him back to the foster home was so hard! On that next Wednesday we had a meeting with the caseworker, her boss, two CASA workers, a counselor and the foster dad to determine when we could take the baby home. I was pushing for the next weekend because school had just started and I didn't want him to be too far behind.  The counsellor asked hubby and me to tell the story of how all this happened.  Hubby let me do the telling.  The counsellor told how she thought it was all good and that he seemed ready and so did we.  Then the caseworker said she thought it was all good for us to take him home the coming weekend.  The CASA workers then indicated that they too thought it would be good for DS#5 came home with us the next weekend.  THEN the caseworker's boss spoke up.  She was the ONLY person in the room who had NEVER even laid eyes on DS#5 or us before!  She had the nerve to say that all of this was moving to fast.  Thank goodness that my husband is a bold man.  He spoke up and said that he thought maybe the one person in the room who most needed to be ready should be asked how he was about the whole thing and the the two little CASA workers promptly spoke up and said that they thought DS#5 get a say.  In a very quivery voice he told the room full of people that had the power to decide so much of his fate that he was ready to go home with his family...US!  It was agreed that we would get to take the baby home on Friday....two days away!!  I was as excited as I could possibly be!!! and scared to death!!  I thought "What have I done?  We don't know this boy.  We don't know his history.  We don't know what kind of baggage he carries."  BTW, they (DCFS will say they will tell you everything but if  what they told us was all they knew, well..... then they must not be the brightest bulbs in the box.)

But the Lord is faithful.  He knew that I couldn't handle certain things and those haven't been the things that we have had to deal with.  He also knew that I needed to grow in some ways and sent this teenage boy to challenge me to do that.  I'm not done growing because of being his mom.  But my time with him is swiftly slipping away.  He wants to join the Army after he graduates in the spring.  This alone scares the bejeebers out of me.  But I worry too that we haven't had enough time to give him all the tools he needs to be strong and bold for Jesus.  I worry that he has ideas about women and other things that aren't completely founded in his faith.  Then I remember that God already set this up.  He knows what we all need and he provides!

The nest can empty when it's time.  This little hen is ready.... getting ready anyway.  I will be ready when the time comes.  Not that there won't be tears, I'm sure there will.  But I will be okay and so will he!  Thank you, Jesus, for being all-knowing and all-powerful. Thank you for the opportunity to parent this amazing young man... and his older brothers who are equally amazing.

If you are a foster or adoptive parent I would love to hear from you, leave me a comment.  If you are the parent of teenagers and grown children I would love to hear from you too!  If you are an empty-nester, please let me know how to do it gracefully.  Or if you are just reading to be reading I would love to hear from you too!


For the Lover of my soul and yours,

Laurie Jo