Things your Hubby Needs to Hear From You

I believe that God made us, as women, to be helpmeets for our husbands.  That's our job.  It's not our only job but it is a very important one.  So I got to thinking about what exactly Hubby needs from me.  Of course, there are the obvious things... like he really needs me to help match his ties, shirts, coats, and pants!  He needs me to make sure he eats a balanced diet.  He needs me to run the household.  He needs me to mother his children.  He needs me to make sure the shower is cleaned every now and again and to mop his coffee drips off the counter.  But one of the things that I think he needs most from me is to balance all the negative messages that the world sends his way everyday.  He also needs me to speak truth to him when the world would have him believe a lie or maybe just when he has convinced himself of some crazy notion!

 So what kinds of things do ours hubs need to hear from us....

The short list....

1.  I love you.  I know that maybe you think you need to hear it from him more than he needs to hear it from you but he needs it.  He actually needs to hear it with some specifics.  For example "I love you because you cry at the end of sappy movies.  Or I love you because you are so sweet to our little old lady neighbor.  I don't know what it is that makes you go "Awwww" about him but you do so tell him.  

2.  You are completely amazing!!  Not just what you do but who you are!  You are an amazing person!    I am sure that there isn't another person on the planet as fantastic as you!  It may sound a bit over-the-top and it might make him giggle but it will also make him smile.  :-)

Those are easy-peasy compared to this one.... especially if you are dying to tell your story (like I so often am) or have some task you just have to get done (my list of things to accomplish has be pushed aside for a few minutes).  

3.  Tell me about it.  I want to hear about....  I have time to listen.  (Then you have to really listen. Eye contact, hands still, the whole sha-bang!)  :-) 

All of those are relatively easy compared to this last one.  This one has to be delivered with the right attitude. It can't smack of  any amount of snottiness or snideness or know-it-allishness.  (My made up words!)

4.  Honey, I think you are wrong about this.  You might consider this side of it, Sweetie.  Darling, are you sure that's what he meant when he said that?  Maybe he just meant this...  You get the idea.  Sometimes we have to be the voice of reason when hubs get bent out of shape over something and just can't wrap his brain around it.

I promise your hubby needs to hear these things from you.  Tell him the first one at every opportunity.  Use the second one as often as possible.  Look for every reason to use #3.  Save the fourth one for very important situations where hubs is struggling with something and never use it out of anger or spite.  Be the helper that God designed for your husband.   He put you together because you are specifically suited to each other.  Be that wife that your hubby needs.  

For the Lover of my soul and yours,

Laurie Jo

One of my fav bloggers posted this today.  Check her out.  It must be Jesus trying to get through to me in some way that He laid my post on my heart last evening and then this one hits my inbox today!!  :)

 Women Living Well Revive Your Marriage Series

How to Fight Fair - NOT!

I am not one that is know for holding my tongue.  I wish I was.  It is a trait that I admire in others and one that I have asked God for help with oh, so very with many times!  (My request usually results in a test within just a few hours... and I typically fail miserably!)  Anyway, my point is that when hubby and I disagree, I often don't hold my tongue.   Unfortunately, it seems I must have my say.  Now we can disagree about some things and that is all it is... disagreeing.  But there are other things that we can't disagree on without it becoming more than that.
So when the disagreement becomes more than a disagreement how do you handle it?  How do you fight fair....

A few tips...

1.  If the other person raises their voice, take yours up several decibels, just to be sure that you are
     noticed and your point is made!

2.  Sarcasm is very important.  Master the art of snottiness.  The snippiest, snottiest retort wins!

3.  Creative name-calling is a skill to be developed and honed.  Use a dictionary in your spare time to
     look up nasty names.

4.  If you can't win, at least don't lose!  Don't let the other person make their point.  Interrupt, pout, use
     tears, whatever works!  If you are physically bigger than the other person, use your size to your
     advantage.  At all costs and whatever it takes... don't let them make their point!

5.  Bring up past transgressions.  Forgiveness is waaayyy over-rated! especially if you're losing the
     argument!  Not only might you have enough ammunition to make the other person feel badly about  
     themselves but even if you can't do that you can deflect the argument to one you can win, one where
     the other person messed up before.

Obviously I am writing tongue-in-cheek but I think that as women sometimes we don't fight fair.  (Maybe I shouldn't generalize like that... maybe it's just me!) I will admit, much to my chagrin, that I have used these tactics at times.  Sometimes without really realizing it and other times with absolute complete knowledge and malice of forethought!  :-/  Sometimes things become so hard to discuss rationally.  Let me encourage you to examine if what you what to discuss really is that important.  There really are some things worth discussing in a marriage even though it may be difficult to do that without getting upset and the discussion turning into an "argument".  However, these things don't include what kind of flooring you want for the family room or whether or not you should spend Christmas with his parents or yours.  While both of those things have to be decided eventually they are rarely worth a true argument.  I have cried and screeched and pouted and manipulated my way through lots of issues in our marriage.  (head hanging... not at all proud) But I have learned a few things through the years.  This isn't to say that hubby and I never have arguments anymore because we do.  In fact, an argument prompted this blog post!  An argument over flooring in our family room!!!  (red faced and embarrassed at my silliness!)

I will tell you that prayer changes a lot of things including minds.  At times it has changed my mind; other times it has changed hubby's.  It has changed circumstances so that there was no need for a discussion that could have turned into an argument.  And it has changed hearts after an argument so that forgiveness is genuine and true.  I have talked to Jesus just like he was my girlfriend.  Please... don't think I'm being sacrilegious!  I just mean that sometimes I just poured my heart out to Him.  I told him things like the fact that my feelings were hurt and that I didn't even like my husband right then.  I've even told Him that I wished I could punch hubby in the nose!  Sometimes at the end of those conversations with Jesus I feel silly but I never feel unloved!  I know he understands.  Sometimes the Lover of my soul shows me how silly I have been.  Sometimes He reminds me of all the wonderful things that I truly treasure about hubby.  Sometimes I know He says that I will just have to endure whatever little thing has bothered me so badly!  (I don't like this answer too much!!)  But whatever the answer I can say with 100% assurance that I feel better after a talk with Jesus.  I am also able to act more like the Godly wife that I really desire to be.

It might be that some of you are railing against this idea that I have changed my mind or my heart has been changed instead of me winning the argument.... hmmmm, me too! Sometimes!  You know that country song where she sings that she just "wants to be mad for a while"?  That's me sometimes!!  But it really doesn't get me anywhere.  Hubby is usually oblivious to it and if he does notice he has been known to dig his heels in a bit deeper! (Imagine, a stubborn man?! NEVER!)  But I don't really want to live in a marriage where I am mad or where I manipulate my sweetheart.  Often a wife wants hubby to change his ways but I have found in my marriage (and I suspect that this is true in most marriages) I can't change hubby.  He has free will.  He will do what he wants.  If I want to be pleasing to the Lover of my soul I have to do the right thing and let hubby figure out what the right thing is for him on his own.  I can only figure this out for me and sometimes that is quite a chore!  (Truly, hubby usually figures it out! Usually sooner rather than later and I don't get pegged as the holier-than-thou, nagging wife!  I think he suspects that I pray his way to some changes of heart and mind though. :-] But... what husband wouldn't want a wife that prays for him?!)

For the Lover of your soul and mine,

Laurie Jo  

Musings on Marriage and Woohoo! :-)

Hubby and I went on a little date.  We took the evening of 'no football' to run out and see a movie.  Several friends had told me how good it was and how funny "Hope Springs" was.  I wasn't disappointed.  It was funny in parts but it had more parts that were just sad to me.  I would recommend it but it isn't a romantic comedy! (I would not recommend it for children or even teens.  There is frank discussion about sexual matters and  besides that I don't think they would enjoy it at all! or , at least, I don't think my 18 and 19 yo DSs would!)  It is about an empty-nester couple who are in a total rut in their marriage.  They work, she cooks, he eats and watches the Golf Channel.  They aren't intimate anymore and haven't been for over 4 years!  I will tell you that I am completely saddened by this. I got the feeling from nervous laughter in the theater that this situation isn't that uncommon.  In the movie it finally comes out that she often turned him away earlier in their marriage.  Of course, this isn't the only problem or really even the biggest problem.  They also have trouble communicating.... about everything but, of course, that means there is trouble communicating in intimate situations too.  He has shut her off and she has clammed up.   Just like my mammaw said "Two wrongs don't make a right." These things and some others have added up to her being dissatisfied with the marriage.  The catch is she still really loves him and he loves her too.  They just really vacuum (that's my word for  'sucks' because I hate that word!) at it!  It got me to thinking though.  What could she have done differently to avoid this problem.  Here are my muddled musings....

(BTW, I am writing about what she could have done because I think I probably have a predominantly female readership on this blog.  I am mulling over a post about what he could have done.  Maybe.. someday... because I figure there might be a few men out there reading too.)

1.  Don't turn your husband away when it comes to sexual intimacy.  Why?

Because he loves you... no matter what size you are or whether you have shaved your legs today.  It doesn't bother him that you are wearing an old t-shirt to bed.  In fact, he might like it. :)  He needs you.  Men have a need for physical intimacy and it can sometimes be a gateway to emotional intimacy.  Ladies, I know that we are often wired in exactly the opposite way.  We need emotional intimacy before we feel "romantically inclined" but it's okay to do it the other way around sometimes too.

Now don't get me wrong... sometimes... if you are sick or dead on your feet or ??? of course, it's OK to say to your sweet hubby "Honey, I just don't feel good or I'm just too tired' but as a general rule take the good advice given to me by an older woman shortly before my wedding.... "Don't say No very often."  She actually told me that if I didn't say no I would probably find myself having a good time before too long anyway and end up not regretting it.  She has been right many, many times.  ;)

2.   Be a fun, creative partner.

Men who love their wives often get a great deal of satisfaction from providing a pleasurable experience for their wife.  We should do the same.  We should be willing to allow our hubby to please us and willing to do things that please him.  Again, a caveat... I don't mean that you should do things that are physically uncomfortable but don't refuse do something because you have some notion from somewhere in your past that it's nasty or disgusting or ????  Ladies, God created sexual intimacy.  He wants us to enjoy it!  Have a little fun with it!  Be adventurous!  (Of course, this is within the confines of things that you and hubby both agree to and within the boundaries of your marriage but after that anything else is fair game.)  That same wise older woman give me this good advice as well.  "Now that you're married... anything goes!"  :)

3.  Talk!!!!

For some of us this comes naturally; for others it's more difficult.  Some of us are married to guys that don't have the gift of words.  You still need to communicate with that man of yours.  If something is wrong in your marriage it won't get fixed by ignoring it.  If you need to talk, you must talk.  Talk first to the Lover of your soul.  Pour your heart out to Jesus first and ask for guidance.  Ask Him to work on you first, to fix you first!  Then if you still have a problem ask Him to give you opportunities and words to talk to your sweet husband.  Then wait!  Wait for the right time and the right words.  Sometimes it helps to write things down.  Or, at least, it helps me!  Sometimes when I write things down they sound so completely stupid or silly that I decide I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.  Other times I use my writing as a way to organize my thoughts.

Whatever you do I sincerely hope that no one reading this is as sad as the couple in this movie!  If  you are reading this and you and your hubby are struggling in this area you can know this...  right now, this evening, I have said a prayer for you that things will improve like they did for the couple in the movie!  (Sorry for the spoiler but you would have guessed it anyway!)


For the Lover of my soul and yours,

Laurie Jo