Everything to Me - or not?

I met my darling husband when I was in the seventh grade.  He was a big eighth grader.  We became a couple when I was fourteen.  We got engaged when I was 18 and married when I was 20.  We grew up together.  He is my best friend, my soul-mate, my lover, and the father of my 5 sons.  We have been married for nearly 29 years.  But.... he does not fulfill my every need.  He can't.  God didn't give him that ability... on purpose.  If he had the ability to fulfill my every need it wouldn't be a good thing.  I absolutely adore this man as it is.  I don't need for him to be any more adorable!  No husband, no matter how wonderful, should be placed above the Lover of Our Souls, Jesus and I would be so tempted to put him up there.  

Truthfully though, I really do adore my husband but he doesn't fulfill all my needs.  You see, God made us with a need for fellowship.  And this means fellowship with more than one person.  This is one of the reasons why he created family and His bride, the church.  He knew we needed other people.  He allows us to fulfill this need in several different ways and one really beautiful way is with friends.  Thank you, Lord, for our friends.  

Girlfriends are God's gift to us.  Seek out some good Christian girlfriends.  It will be good for you and your marriage.  There are all kinds of benefits to sharing a life with girlfriends.  Girlfriends can  commiserate with us and give us fresh perspective.  Girlfriends can be an understanding ear and a shoulder to cry on.  Girlfriends can provide social relief for your husband!  Yep, that's what I said social relief.  Your husband shouldn't have to feign interest in your latest pin on pintrest or the most recent trend in shoes and bags.  And the good news about your man not being everything to you is that you in turn don't have to be everything to him!  You don't have to do all the things that he enjoys either.  If he enjoys fishing or deer hunting or golfing you can send him off to do these things with his guy friends and know that it's a good thing that you can't be each other's everything. 

So how do you cultivate these girlfriends?  Where do you find them?  Here a few ideas.

  

1. Become a member of a church and pray for a friend or friends!  The Lord commands us to participate in corporate worship but a nice benefit of this is that we find people that are there worshipping as well.  While you are there volunteer for service somewhere in the church, the nursery, the welcome center, the cleaning crew, the choir.  Do something you enjoy doing or stretch yourself.  You may meet someone that will be a lifelong friend!

2.  Volunteer in some other area of service.  Be a room mother at your child's school.  Become a den mother for a boy or girl scout troop.  Volunteer at a nursing home or an animal shelter.  Again this is another way to meet people that share similar values as you while you are doing the Lord's work of serving others.  

3.  Be hospitable.  Open your home to others.  Invite people for Sunday dinner after church or if preparing a whole meal for a group of more than four sends shivers down your spine just invite them for dessert on Friday night.  Invite another mom and her child(ren) over to play with your children.  Don't let this be intimidating.  Being hospitable is as easy as making someone else comfortable.  You can actually do this anywhere not just in your home.  It can be done at a playground or a McDonald's or a coffee shop or your back yard.  It really can be as simple as offering a glass of lemonade to a neighbor across the fence.  Just put yourself out there.  

Now a word of warning....  You will be rejected.  But that's okay.  If you are rejected, don't despair.  A person who rejects you is either not ready to be your friend right now or maybe they never will be ready, but The Lover of Your Soul has a friend or probably many friends out there for you.  Keep looking!    

  

For the Lover of my Soul and Yours who provides us with everything we need including a great friends!

Laurie Jo

In memory of my dearest friend and my other soul mate, Rita Diane, 1961-2010. Oh, how the Lover of My Soul used you to love my soul and used me to love yours!  Missing you everyday but looking forward to seeing your face right next to Jesus when I get to heaven!  Save a place for me!   

Housekeeping (and other curses, er... blessing)

Ladies, I must admit that I used to HATE housework!  Let me explain by giving you just a bit more background about me.  I have always been a working woman.  I am a registered nurse and worked in  the nursing field for 16 years.  I went back to school 13 years ago and now I am a high school biology teacher.  In addition to being a career woman, I have raised 5 sons.  My sons were all very active in school playing two or three sports during each school year from fifth grade through high school as well as being involved in other school activities.  I still have one son at home and one in college.   (The oldest three are married to lovely young women.)  In addition to my children I have a darling husband who has worked odd hours as a police detective for our entire 29 years of marriage.  In addition to all of this we have tried very hard to be a family that is active in serving the Lord with our local church family.  With all of these commitments I have had very little time for housework!  Frankly, for many years I didn't even pretend to do much of it.  It just seemed like I was fighting a losing battle!  But there is value in keeping an orderly home.  It saves time and money in the long run to have a reasonably organized and clean home.  You spend less time looking for things and you spend less money replacing things that you've lost.  If you have children with allergies or other health issues it may keep them healthier and save you money at the doctor's office to keep your home clean.  There are benefits to your children in learning to help because they are part of a family and learning to care for their things.  Learning to sort toys is a good brain development activity for young children. And let's face it, many of us enjoy attractive surroundings and clutter and dirt just aren't very pretty!  A further benefit of keeping your home neat and clean is that you won't be embarrassed to use it in the service of the Lover of Your Soul.  You will be able to practice the hospitality that He asks of us. But even given these obvious benefits it still remains that the practice of keeping your home neat and clean is difficult at best!      

I have learned a few things in all these years of taking care of my home.

1.  Keep things in perspective.  If your children have food to eat, clean clothes to wear, and a reasonably clean environment at home then you have the essentials taken care of and the rest is just gravy.  In fact, I would encourage you to read a book to your children or play a game with them before you make sure that your floors shine and your mirrors are spot-free.  Some of you are obsessing because you can't stand the stuff tracked on the carpet or the few dishes left in the sink from the kid's afternoon snack.  I know you have heard it before but I will tell you again... your babies will not remember that you kept a spotless floor, they will remember playing games and reading stories and cuddling at naptime.  Don't let the expedient overrule the truly important!

2.  Develop a system.   Maybe it's a room a day or a room a week.  Maybe it's taking care of one task a day  like sweeping, or dusting, or laundry.  Find one that works for you and stick with it.  I have used a couple of different systems in my married life and have developed several of them into something that fits me and my family.  One that I can recommend is The Flylady.  She is organized and has a reasonable approach.  She starts with "baby steps" and helps you develop habits that will keep your housework under control.  There are other systems that I'm sure work equally well.  The important thing is to have a system and to work the system.  Do a search on the Internet and you'll be amazed at  the number of different systems you will find.

3.  Decide to take joy in making a neat, clean home for your family.  I often didn't like housework because I felt like I was being put upon and used by my family.  My attitude was often not the attitude of service towards them.  I had to learn this attitude of service but the Lover of My Soul has convicted me of this.  Jesus had to remind me many times of how He SERVED!  He loved people and He served people.  Who are the people that you love most on the planet?  Your family, of course!  Who would you rather serve than the people you love the most?  And if we can't serve those that we love most how can we ever hope to serve those that we don't love or who don't love us?!

4.  Enlist your family to help you.  This may seem a direct contradiction to the previous point but it's not really.  You see, part of loving and serving your family includes teaching your little ones to be good stewards of the things that God has entrusted in their care.  Even the very little guys can pick up their toys.  When they are a bit older they can put away their folded laundry, help set the table, take out the garbage,  and feed the dog and cat.  Children in the upper elementary grades can begin to take on more responsibility by helping with the meal preparations as well as helping with sweeping and dusting and doing the  laundry.  I will admit that as my boys grew and got busier with their school work and activities I wasn't very good at expecting them to help me as they should have.  Learn from my mistakes!  They were capable of helping with far more housework than I expected them of them and my daughter-in-laws would have thanked me for it!!!  :)

5.  Give your kids a space that is theirs.  This space is especially important for teens.  Usually it is their bedroom but it doesn't have to be.  It could be a room in the basement where they can hangout with their friends or some other area as long as it is someplace that you can close the door to.  If the space is shared with siblings you may need to mediate some measure of cooperation and mutual respect but this is often a good and necessary lesson for today's teens.   Hopefully, at this point you have taught them to put their things away and this space will not take on the appearance of a natural disaster site but if it does... close the door!  Don't let it become a source of contention between you and your teen.  As long as it doesn't stink or attract pests, let them deal with it.  My boys eventually got tired of being unable to find things and would do a big clean-up.  During the summer I usually encouraged them to take a day or two and really clean their rooms.   And by encourage, I mean that I helped (remember... service)!  I admit that there were almost always long-lost items that were found and became lessons to the boys regarding the value of being organized and neat.  :)

Love and serve your family and the Lover of Your Soul by keeping a neat and clean home.  It will amke you and your family happy and increase your opportunities for service in other ways.  


Loving and serving the Lover of My Soul and Yours!
Laurie Jo
    

Expectations of Wedded Bliss

Hi, my name is Laurie Jo.  I'm so glad you found me!  I'm not exactly sure where this blog will lead but I have been feeling the Lord's leading in this for some time.  I am not a professional writer so please be patient with me.  I may ramble and be disjointed in my posts.  I am quite new to this blogging thing!

I hope that this blog serves to inspire you to love your husband and your family, to create a home that is a cheerful and peaceful place for all who enter, to open your home and your heart to others, and to be the woman God created you to be.   My inspiration for these things is Jesus.  Any sliver of creativity or originality that is seen on this blog comes from directly from Him, the creator and center of the universe and the lover of my soul.  

Now to the really important stuff....

Wedded Bliss!!!  (or something like that!) 

June, the month of weddings, satin and lace and pearls.  Pretty girls in beautiful gowns and handsome young men in tuxedos and ties.  Candlelight and music and flowers.  These are the things of a beautiful wedding but.... they are not the things of wedded bliss.  Now, don't misunderstand.  There's nothing wrong with these things, of course, but they are not how the rest of your wedded life will look.  A week or a month or 6 months after the wedding you are going to wake up and this thought will pop into your head "Holy Cow!  What have I gotten myself into?! I don't even like this lazy slob, selfish pig, stubborn jerk, (you fill in the blank), much less love him!"  That handsome groom of yours, the very same one who wooed you with sweet words and kind deeds, flowers and candy, and romantic dates, will have turned into this CREATURE!  This guy who leaves his dirty socks in the floor and never wipes a crumb off the kitchen counter and constantly watches sports on TV.   He never helps with the dishes, he hasn't told you he loves you in days (unless he wants.... something) and he wants to spend all day every Saturday with the guys hunting, fishing, golfing, etc!!!  Well, ladies, guess what?  Yes sirree!  That lazy slob, selfish pig, stubborn jerk, (you fill in the blank) is the very same guy and yes, you married him, made a vow in front of all your wedding guests and to your alien creature husband and more importantly to God to love him till death do you part.  So how do you manage to keep this vow and your sanity?

Examine your expectations of your marriage.  You had this idea that your marriage would be a wonderful experience that was all candlelight and roses.  OK, maybe your expectations weren't that unreasonable but my guess is they were still rather unreasonable.  If you're like most young marrieds money is probably a bit tight at times.  You probably are doing more housework than you did when you lived on your own or with your parents.  You may have taken on things that are new to you, things like paying bills and cooking. And while you knew that these things had to get done in every family you had the notion that there would be more teamwork involved.  Maybe you thought that there would be far more romance involved!  You know better intellectually but that happily-ever-after fairytale expectation still haunts you.    Here are a few ways to deal with your fairy tale expectations.

1.  Be realistic.  Life isn't a fairytale.  Marriage is often work, or at least, sacrifice.  No one could live up to the unrealistic expectations that many brides have of their husbands.  Let go of this fairytale.  God has a beautiful plan for your marriage.  He will use it to show you, your husband, your children, and those around you how beautiful the relationship between Christ and His church is.  He didn't write Cinderella but the story that He has for your wedded bliss is ever so much better!  

  

2.  Remember your first love.  Your husband IS the same guy you fell in love with.  He has the same qualities that he did when you were dating.  It maybe some of these same qualities  that you find so annoying now are the very ones that you found endearing while you were dating.  Don't expect him to change.  That's not really fair; after all you married him knowing most of these qualities.  Even the qualities that you may have 'discovered' after the wedding were usually hinted at before the wedding.  The truth of the matter is that the only person you have control over is you so.... you can change you or you can stay unhappy in your unrealistic expectations.  You can't make him pick up his socks or wipe the crumbs of the kitchen counter after he makes a sandwich but you can decide that these things are not worth making you or your husband miserable.  Don't misunderstand; I don't want you to just swallow all the things that bother you.  In any successful marriage there is a give and take.  You must talk to your husband and communicate the things that you need from him.  This conversation should be done calmly and with love and understanding.  And you should do this with the full expectation that he will have a few things that he may well have a few things that he wants you to do differently!      

3.  Be sure that you are the same loving, sweet, pretty girl that your husband fell in love with.  Make sure that you aren't always in sweatshirts and jeans.  Dress just for him sometimes, like you did when you were dating.  Fix your hair and do your make-up.  Men are visual creatures, and we all enjoy pretty things at times.  I'm not saying that you have to do your housework dressed like June Cleaver in pearls and heels all the time but neither should you slouch around everyday.   Do sweet, unexpected things for him to remind him how often you think of him during the day.  Leave a note for him on his steering wheel for him to find in the morning.  Leave him a favorite candy in his lunch box. Send him a message during the day telling him that you think he's handsome, wonderful, sexy, etc.  

Try these things to remind yourself that your 'creature' is really your handsome prince. Let your marriage be a example of Christ and His church to all who witness it.

For the lover of your soul and mine,

Laurie Jo