I am not one that is know for holding my tongue. I wish I was. It is a trait that I admire in others and one that I have asked God for help with oh, so very with many times! (My request usually results in a test within just a few hours... and I typically fail miserably!) Anyway, my point is that when hubby and I disagree, I often don't hold my tongue. Unfortunately, it seems I must have my say. Now we can disagree about some things and that is all it is... disagreeing. But there are other things that we can't disagree on without it becoming more than that.
So when the disagreement becomes more than a disagreement how do you handle it? How do you fight fair....
A few tips...
1. If the other person raises their voice, take yours up several decibels, just to be sure that you are
noticed and your point is made!
2. Sarcasm is very important. Master the art of snottiness. The snippiest, snottiest retort wins!
3. Creative name-calling is a skill to be developed and honed. Use a dictionary in your spare time to
look up nasty names.
4. If you can't win, at least don't lose! Don't let the other person make their point. Interrupt, pout, use
tears, whatever works! If you are physically bigger than the other person, use your size to your
advantage. At all costs and whatever it takes... don't let them make their point!
5. Bring up past transgressions. Forgiveness is waaayyy over-rated! especially if you're losing the
argument! Not only might you have enough ammunition to make the other person feel badly about
themselves but even if you can't do that you can deflect the argument to one you can win, one where
the other person messed up before.
Obviously I am writing tongue-in-cheek but I think that as women sometimes we don't fight fair. (Maybe I shouldn't generalize like that... maybe it's just me!) I will admit, much to my chagrin, that I have used these tactics at times. Sometimes without really realizing it and other times with absolute complete knowledge and malice of forethought! :-/ Sometimes things become so hard to discuss rationally. Let me encourage you to examine if what you what to discuss really is that important. There really are some things worth discussing in a marriage even though it may be difficult to do that without getting upset and the discussion turning into an "argument". However, these things don't include what kind of flooring you want for the family room or whether or not you should spend Christmas with his parents or yours. While both of those things have to be decided eventually they are rarely worth a true argument. I have cried and screeched and pouted and manipulated my way through lots of issues in our marriage. (head hanging... not at all proud) But I have learned a few things through the years. This isn't to say that hubby and I never have arguments anymore because we do. In fact, an argument prompted this blog post! An argument over flooring in our family room!!! (red faced and embarrassed at my silliness!)
I will tell you that prayer changes a lot of things including minds. At times it has changed my mind; other times it has changed hubby's. It has changed circumstances so that there was no need for a discussion that could have turned into an argument. And it has changed hearts after an argument so that forgiveness is genuine and true. I have talked to Jesus just like he was my girlfriend. Please... don't think I'm being sacrilegious! I just mean that sometimes I just poured my heart out to Him. I told him things like the fact that my feelings were hurt and that I didn't even like my husband right then. I've even told Him that I wished I could punch hubby in the nose! Sometimes at the end of those conversations with Jesus I feel silly but I never feel unloved! I know he understands. Sometimes the Lover of my soul shows me how silly I have been. Sometimes He reminds me of all the wonderful things that I truly treasure about hubby. Sometimes I know He says that I will just have to endure whatever little thing has bothered me so badly! (I don't like this answer too much!!) But whatever the answer I can say with 100% assurance that I feel better after a talk with Jesus. I am also able to act more like the Godly wife that I really desire to be.
It might be that some of you are railing against this idea that I have changed my mind or my heart has been changed instead of me winning the argument.... hmmmm, me too! Sometimes! You know that country song where she sings that she just "wants to be mad for a while"? That's me sometimes!! But it really doesn't get me anywhere. Hubby is usually oblivious to it and if he does notice he has been known to dig his heels in a bit deeper! (Imagine, a stubborn man?! NEVER!) But I don't really want to live in a marriage where I am mad or where I manipulate my sweetheart. Often a wife wants hubby to change his ways but I have found in my marriage (and I suspect that this is true in most marriages) I can't change hubby. He has free will. He will do what he wants. If I want to be pleasing to the Lover of my soul I have to do the right thing and let hubby figure out what the right thing is for him on his own. I can only figure this out for me and sometimes that is quite a chore! (Truly, hubby usually figures it out! Usually sooner rather than later and I don't get pegged as the holier-than-thou, nagging wife! I think he suspects that I pray his way to some changes of heart and mind though. :-] But... what husband wouldn't want a wife that prays for him?!)
For the Lover of your soul and mine,
Laurie Jo
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